I have a secret. I’m supposed to be this perfect person without any flaws, never making any mistakes. Living life in a straight line. Of course I have never done this. What were you thinking? But if you can’t keep a straight line, you shouldn’t talk about it. And I find myself now too trying to paint the perfect picture of my little family, of myself. Hiding things that happen because we are not allowed to be flawed. Not allowed to have problems. Not allowed to have weaknesses. I am starting to think: why am I doing this? Honestly, who is perfect? People who are my friends, people who love me, they should accept me and my kids as we are. Everything seems to get a label these days. And that label seems to be a stigma. You know what I am having a hard time with at the moment? I have Tourette Syndrome. There, I said it. I have only told one very good friend. She told me she never noticed anything weird about me. But I am good at hiding my tics (I think at least…) Perhaps she is just such a good friend she doesn’t notice my weirdness
It’s only about 4 years ago that I realised my weird tics were actually a neurological disorder, that I couldn’t do anything about it. This was such a relief, to put a name to this condition that had quietly dominated my entire life. Being ridiculed when I was younger (and when under severe stress the tics got really bad and obvious) hurt so badly that I learned how to hide them. It’s not easy to suppress something that just wants to come out. I haven’t talked to my doctor about it, not to my kids, only this one friend recently. It’s like a secret. A secret my mother would keep. And I don’t want to be my mother. I just came from the chiropractor where I get treatment for my neck hernia. As neck & shoulder jerking is one of my serious tics, it hurts my hernia more. I just so want to tell and ask questions. But I can’t because I feel my mother’s eyes on me that something must be wrong with me and the outside world should not know. It’s stressful to hide the tics. If my best friend says I am not weird, perhaps it is time for me to believe this… I have to stop my mother’s voice in my head!
Thanks Angie, for telling me I am not weirder than anyone else
Thanks Rayne, for helping me unfold the puzzle of my life.
And yes, I just remind myself: Weird is a side effect of awesome!